Growing up an army brat, Uncle Sam moved my family around about every 18 months. I lived on 11 different army bases, ranging from Stuttgart, Germany to Monterey, California. Three of those stops were in Kansas. So, it’s no surprise that I was pulling hard for the Chiefs to take home the Lombardi Trophy this year. I won’t let that impact my ability to provide an unbiased review of this year’s Super Bowl though. As is my tradition (starting last year), I’m reviewing the whole event, not just the game. Everything from the play on the field to the commercials is rated on a scale of one to four taco salads (my Super Bowl meal of choice).
The Hype
For a Super Bowl to be an all-time classic, it needs great hype. Joe Namath guaranteeing victory in Super Bowl III helped turn the NFL into the juggernaut it is today. That act rates an impossible five taco salads out of four. This year’s hype was sadly lacking. Would Joe Montana root for the 49ers or the Chiefs? Yawn. Is Andy Reid a Hall of Famer even if he loses? Yes. Duh. The biggest controversy centered around the NFL not letting San Francisco wear white pants with their white jerseys. A crime against fashion? Maybe. But not worth any sort of outrage. I almost wished the Patriots were involved in the game just to give most of America someone to root against.
The Game – Offense
Both teams’ tepid offense in the first three and a half quarters of the game added up to a mediocre two taco salads. And at least half a salad of that rating came from the nifty synchronized spin move play Chiefs’ offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy stole from the 1949 Rose Bowl champion Michigan Wolverines. Fortunately, after doing his best Jameis Winston impersonation in the second half, Patrick Mahomes finally remembered that he’s the best quarterback in the NFL. Three touchdowns in the last six minutes and thirteen seconds rates four taco salads without a doubt. Sadly, I have to factor in Jimmy Garoppolo’s one salad late-game performance here too.
The Game – Defense
The 49ers needed to win this game with their dominating defense. Keeping the Chiefs in check for almost fifty-four minutes was impressive. Too bad football is a sixty-minute game. Kansas City played a solid bend but don’t break type of scheme. If Garoppolo could have hit a wide-open Emmanuel Sanders late in the game, that might have been a mistake. Instead, the Chiefs’ defense did just enough to win, which is all that a team with a great offense should have to do.
The Game – Special Teams
In a game with exactly zero meaningful special teams plays, the only thing that stood out to me is how stupid most teams are on kickoffs. Since the rules place the ball on the 25-yard line for a touchback, the receiver should just about never run it out of the end zone. Yet they do all the time and usually cost their team five to ten yards in the process. On the kicking side, you’d think more teams would try to make the receiver catch the ball inside the five. That would force a return with the runner more often than not coming up short of the 25. I remember when kickoffs were actually interesting. The NFL has neutered them in the name of player safety. I get that, but just go ahead and put the play out of its misery. Have teams start on the opponents’ 25 all the time and move on.
The Broadcast
I’m going to be mean to Troy Aikman here. I feel bad about it. He won three Super Bowls, had his brains bashed in more times than the NFL would like to admit, and seems like a nice guy. I just can’t stand it when he rattles off the obvious every damn game. I understand that a key third-down late in the fourth quarter is “the ballgame” or that had a receiver been hit in stride it would have been a big gain. I’m looking for more insight out of a color analyst. His partner Joe Buck is fine in a workmanlike play-by-play guy kind of way. I think a better analyst would raise his game the way Tony Romo makes Jim Nantz better on CBS. If John Lynch hadn’t left the FOX booth to become the 49ers GM, I think he would have taken Aikman’s job by now.
The Halftime Show
Film critic Roger Ebert once said his first rule of movies was that “It’s not what the movie is about; it’s how it goes about it.” I need to apply this rule to Super Bowl halftime shows these days. I haven’t been anywhere near their target audience since around the time Bruce Springsteen made a fool out of himself in a one taco salad performance twelve years or so ago. With that in mind, I think Shakira and J. Lo gave the crowd what they were looking for: “Hips Don’t Lie,” a snippet of Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir,” “Jenny from the Block,” pole dancing, tongue-wagging, impossibly quick costume changes. Not really my cup of tea, but it was a spectacle, and that’s what the money the NFL and Pepsi shell out is buying.
The Commercials
My Snap Impressions, with YouTube links to my top two:
Tide detergent is trying too hard.
Cool sci-fi spot Wal Mart. Loved the shout out to my favorite movie of the 2010s.
Are Chris Evans, Rachel Dratch, and John Krasinski actually from Boston? Who cares? I wish my car had that park assist feature.
Stop trying so hard, Tide.
No, Bryan Cranston and Mountain Zero Sugar. Just no.
WTF is Quibi?
I should maybe watch Rick & Morty one day.
A Coke commercial Martin Scorsese? Really?
Wash your damn shirt already, Tide Guy.
Was it really worth $5.6 million for your thirty-second spots, Avocados from Mexico and Sabra Hummus?
Way to steal the Baby Yoda idea Planters Peanuts.
My God, your commercial is disturbing, Jason Momoa.
Bringing back Bill Murray on a Groundhog Day Super Bowl. Brilliant idea, Jeep!
LOL, Sam Elliott and Lil’ Nas X. Maybe I will buy some Cool Ranch Dorito’s next time I go to the store.
Thanks for the feels, Google.
The funny Watergate reference at the end of the commercial saved your spot, Amazon Alexa.
What does Maisie Williams singing “Let it Go” have to do with your car, Audi?
Just go away, Tide Guy.
Overall
Oh, who I am kidding? The Chiefs won!!!
Interesting critical review especially the ads. Agreed, Half time was a crowd pleasing spectacular full of energy……I suspect they took layers of costume off for the next set. Would have liked to been this behind the scenes to see this chaos. Last half of 4th quarter was the best…..the only part of the 2nd quarter I watched. So happy for Andy Reid. Will be seeing a lot more of this quarterback as long as he can stay healthy.
Like how you explained why you became a KC fan….wonder how many of the team members live in Missouri (where the stadium is) as opposed to Kansas.
Thanks, Mom! I thought the ads were a little better than they have been in the last few years. I’m guessing more of the players live on the Missouri side, though Donald Trump probably thinks they all live in Kansas! 🙂