Co-workers are like family you didn’t choose and have no control over. Yet you still have to deal with these people day after potentially soul-crushing day. Odds are that most folks in your office are okay to be around for eight hours at a time. If you’re lucky, a few may even be tolerable enough to become a friend. But let’s face it, even the best workplace has some monsters who can quickly make things unbearable. It’s essential to be able to easily spot these office ogres so you can come up with strategies for combating them. After all, you can only quit another job so many times before hiring managers looking at your resume start to suspect you may be the problem. My field guide to the ten types of co-workers who will ruin your life at work will hopefully help you survive to see your next paycheck.
The Loud Talker
Perhaps no beast is more threatening in the office environment than the Loud Talker. This person can’t say “Hello” without registering at least 100 decibels. When they are on the inevitable conference call at their desk, the noise level usually exceeds the sound of a jet engine at takeoff. If two loud talkers end up sitting next to each other, their conversations can often be heard at least two states away. Paying top dollar for quality noise-canceling headphones is something to try. Still, even the best technology can only drown out so much of the din. A more effective solution is to escape the racket. It’s amazing how many empty workstations you can find around your office. If you slowly start to move your stuff into one of these in a quiet department, people just start to assume you belong there. Soon you’ll find blissful relief in your new work home.
The Strange Noise Maker
Loud Talkers aren’t the only creatures that cause sound-related workplace disruption. Some folks just naturally make strange noises that are hard to cope with. Vigorous chewers are the worst. They make eating something as bland as Jell-O sound as if they are smacking their way through a box of stale Cracker Jack. Table manners were never a topic of conversation when these obnoxious eaters were growing up. Another species of Strange Noise Maker are those with phlegm related issues. Their coughs, hacks, snorts, and wheezes often become intolerable. Loud typers also fall into this group as they bang away at their computer keyboards like they are playing Beethoven’s Fifth. Your natural instinct may be to make some strange noises of your own to fight back. This usually only escalates into a cacophony of madness. Instead, follow the same course of action recommended for dealing with Loud Talkers and find your new office oasis.
The Insecure Pet
These pathetic beings lack confidence in themselves to the point where they need constant reinforcement about how to do just about anything. The aggravating thing is that while their questions are often dumb, these poor souls generally are not. This is what makes them dangerous. You see their potential and, like any good co-worker, want to help. Pretty soon, you have fallen into their trap. Every time you turn around, your very own Insecure Pet is at your desk, wanting you to talk through the process of how to do something just one more time. If you happen to attract a particularly aggressive one, you will be attached at the hip. They will sit next to you in meetings and eat lunch with you every day. Your only hope is to find someone else your pet can bond to. Pick the nicest person in your department and start talking them up. Saying that “So and so can explain this much better than me” should steer the unwanted pet towards your unwitting dupe. If that person is gullible, they ought to fall into the same trap you did. If so, job well done. If not, target the next potential victim and try again.
The Surly Expert
Every office has at least one of these magnificent yet terrifying giants. The Surly Expert has likely been at the company longer than anyone can remember. Without a doubt, they have specialized knowledge that no one else has. And they are never in the mood to share it. Anyone brave enough to approach them will first be met with a withering glare. Usually, the poor fool will then leave in tears because:
- They don’t already know the answer
- They haven’t bothered to read the effing manual (even if the effing manual doesn’t exist)
- They are simply an idiot
Extreme care and patience are needed when dealing with a Surly Expert. Thorough observations must first be made from a safe distance to determine more about them. When are they in the best mood? Usually, this is after a certain number of cups of coffee. What are their other interests? Invariably, these people are into something oddball such as Japanese Manga Cosplay or ice fishing. Do your research and approach with caution. Don’t be put off by the first few dismissals. Persistence is key. Unique knowledge will be your reward.
The Happy Unicorn
These rays of sunshine can’t wait to tell you about how they are living their best life and making every day count while eating, praying, and loving their way to fulfillment. After five minutes of listening to them babble on, you’ll need to puke. And the Happy Unicorn doesn’t just want to tell you about it. They want to be your best friend so that you can experience the same sort of amazeballs life they have. But this shouldn’t make you feel special, because they want to share their bliss with everyone. All the time. To the point where nothing will ever get done. Sadly, the only way to fight them is to bring them down. Point out a flaw in their tidy little world. Ideally, one that’s related to the likely substandard work they have been doing while droning on endlessly about how perfect they have it. Nothing upsets a Happy Unicorn more than something not being right with their world. Finding that weakness will shut them up long enough for them to fix it, meaning you should have at least a few hours to get on with your workday.
The Distracting Spider
The Distracting Spider is a cunning foe looking to steal your time and productivity. They start off innocently enough by wanting to talk about last night’s game, the most recent episode of ‘The Mandalorian,’ or this incredible YouTube channel they just found. Your natural instinct will be to join in the conversation. After all, who really wants to spend an entire eight-hour workday staring at spreadsheets and email. Five minutes gushing about Baby Yoda can’t hurt anything, right? Wrong. Before you know it, the Distracting Spider has snared you in their web, and you can’t escape. Unless the phone rings or your boss walks by, hours can go by while the Spider forces you to engage in a debate of why the best quarterback of all time isn’t Tom Brady. As the discussion somehow morphs into whether Iron Man or Captain America is the best character in the MCU, you slowly realize that whatever you were supposed to be doing is not going to get done on time. The only way to fight the Distracting Spider is not to engage with them. This will require immense willpower. You have the strength to do it.
The Emotional Breakdown Parasite
Another creature in the time-suck genus, the Emotional Breakdown Parasite is always in turmoil. These pathetic specimens eternally teeter on the brink of a nervous breakdown for any number of reasons. Relationship problems or the boss being mean are the most common, but anything can set them off. If you are unlucky to sit next to one of these pests, there is an excellent chance that you have been targeted to be their host. The Parasite sees you as a tower of strength who will help get them through the horrible time they are going through. Before long, they are feeding off of you constantly, sucking away your attention and energy. You might be foolish enough to believe that giving them a little bit of your time will build them back up enough to leave you alone. That won’t happen. They will continue to sap your life force for as long as you allow it. The best way to deal with them is to pretend you are an Emotional Breakdown Parasite too. Start whining to them about your life. Make stuff up if you have to. Any parasite only attaches to what it can feed on. Once they think you are also nothing but an energy-sucking pest, they will move on to new prey.
The Social Butterfly
Perhaps the most hazardous office dweller of all, the Social Butterfly seems harmless enough on the surface. They are outgoing, but not overwhelmingly so like a Happy Unicorn. They are more than willing to provide a temporary distraction when you need a break from the monotony of the workday, but never to the point where it kills your productivity like a Distracting Spider. Unlike Insecure Pets, they have confidence in themselves and never become a burden. Even if their life is falling apart, they don’t become an Emotional Breakdown Parasite and suck your energy away. They seem like the perfect office mate. And that’s the problem. Everyone in the office is attracted to them. Unicorns, Spiders, Parasites, and all manner of Pets and Pests are always at their desks. If you sit near a Social Butterfly, your aisle will be a never-ending animal parade of all kinds of office beasts. The distractions will be endless. You will inevitably be sucked into at least some of the commotion. Much like dealing with Loud Talkers, escape is your only hope. Find a new place to sit and get the hell out as soon as you can.
The Office Stink Bird
There are many different kinds of Office Stink Birds that you might encounter. The most common is the overly perfumed species. They often smell as if a gallon of the cheapest scent that Wal-Mart sells has been poured over them. And they must keep buckets of it in their cars because, while the scent fades in the morning, it’s usually back with a vengeance after lunch. The bad body odor species live at the opposite end of the spectrum. These foul-smelling vermin have likely not touched a bar of soap in weeks. For some reason, they also wear the same foul-smelling clothes every day. While not as common as they used to be, the two-pack-a-day smoker species can still be found in some offices. The reek of tobacco seems to permeate every fiber of their being. A major risk with all of the Stink Birds is that their scent will transfer to you. You cannot let this happen. While escape is an option, a more subtle approach can work. Secretly placing air fresheners on their desks right where they can see them often shames the Stink Bird into hiding their smelly nature.
The Weird Food Eater
Perhaps the most perplexing of all office nuisances, the Weird Food Eater often causes the same impacts as the Stink Bird. Whatever mixture of seafood and spices this scavenger concocts gives off aromas even the overly perfumed or bad body odored can’t ignore. What sets these strange diners apart is their reproductive habits. A Weird Food Eater will try to convert you into one of them by trying to share their inexplicable cuisine. Be strong and keep saying no. If you give in and try the weird food, one of two things will happen. Often the food will taste as bad as it smells. In this case, you are very fortunate. Just avoid the area whenever the Weird Food Easter is engaging in their revolting behavior. The worst outcome is when the strange and stinking food is actually delicious. In some cases, it may end up being the best damn thing you have ever put in your mouth. This means the Weird Food Eater’s overtures have worked. You are now a Weird Food Eater too. Enjoy your smelly new existence.
If you enjoyed this list, check out my take on the Ten People Who Will Ruin Your Meetings!
