The Super Bowl should really be a national holiday. Like Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July, everyone seems to have their own traditions. Mine is to invite friends over, make my should be world-famous taco salad and ridicule everything possible while hoping it’s a good game. When the ball is kicked off, the whole country comes to a stop in a way that is reminiscent of Christmas morning. This isn’t just because of a football game. The Super Bowl is a total experience. For some people, the commercials are the draw. For others, it’s the halftime show. I’ve read reviews of each of these things, but I don’t think the Super Bowl can be rated without dissecting each element. With that in mind, I present my complete review of the Big Game. In honor of my traditional meal, everything is rated on a scale of up to four taco salads.
The Hype
The days leading up to the game are as important as the game itself, much like the excitement of wondering what’s waiting under the Christmas tree. The hype this year was dominated by the fact that the wrong team was representing the NFC. Yes, Saints fans, your team was hosed. And we thank you! If not for this, the run-up would have been all about the Patriots being there again (yawn) and the fact that most Los Angelenos care more about Anthony Davis demanding a trade to the Lakers. Two taco salads are bumped up to three because very few things are as entertaining as whining sports fans.
The Game – Offense
Earlier in the season, the Rams beat the Chiefs 54 – 51 in a no doubt four taco salad offensive game. Too bad the Chiefs lost the coin toss in overtime in the AFC Championship game and let Brady shove the ball down their throats. If not for that, a Chiefs-Rams Super Bowl might have been an offensive masterpiece. Instead, it was more of a Plan 9 from Outer Space type debacle. The only reason this gets even one taco salad is because Julian Edelman is a beast (and a stalwart on my dynasty fantasy football team).
The Game – Defense
I like defensive football, so I didn’t find the game boring. There was a string of games around Super Bowl XXI where the Broncos or Bills were shredded like the cheese on my taco salad and lost by an average of over three touchdowns. Those games were boring. This game was a chess match and could have rated a solid three and a half taco salads except for the fact that the Rams couldn’t be bothered to double team Julian Edelman until well into the second half. I could have figured out they needed to do that earlier. I’m not saying I should take over as Defensive Coordinator for the Rams, but maybe I could for a lesser team like the Cardinals.
The Game – Special Teams
At some point during the same, Jim Nantz suggested that the winning team’s punter should be the game MVP. Edelman aside, Nantz was on to something. Punters are the unsung heroes of the NFL. Ryan Allen, the Patriots’ punter, somehow perfected a backspin that pinned the Rams inside the 10 multiple times. His Rams counterpart, Johnny Hekker, booted a Super Bowl record 65 yarder. I’m taking half a taco salad off this rating only because both kickers missed a field goal, choking as badly as a Buccaneers’ kicker lining up for an extra point.
The Broadcast
Most broadcasters play it safe. Jim Nantz is as milquetoast as they come. Not bad; not great. A warm glass of milk, which is sometimes just what you need, even if it’s not what you want. Tony Romo is more like an Irish Car Bomb. Always interesting. The heir to John Madden in his enthusiasm and shrewd commentary. I loved that he pointed out Brady audibling the word “Reagan” meant a run to the right. Noticing how the Rams stayed in the huddle until the play clock was down to 15 seconds so Belichick couldn’t radio changes to his defensive captain was insightful.
The Halftime Show
I am not the ideal demographic for a shirtless, strutting Adam Levine, so the halftime show really didn’t do it for me. Payphone is the one Maroon 5 song I really like, so they lose half a taco salad for not playing it. I was amused by the SpongeBob segment, which should have been longer. I didn’t get why Travis Scott entered the stage in a post-apocalyptic fireball. The two-thirds of his performance drowned out by CBS censors might have explained it. Big Boi has an impressive Cadillac and coat. Super Bowl halftime shows have got to be impossible to put together though, so I’ll be a bit generous.
The Commercials
My Snap Impressions:
Does Bud Light really think anyone cares about corn syrup?
Does Jason Bateman really need to shill for Hyundai? He’s right that car shopping is worse than a root canal though.
What the hell is Bumble?
No, really, is corn syrup in beer a thing now?
“Is Pepsi OK?” Sorry, Steve Carell, I’ve always wanted to say “No.” Maybe I will now.
What’s with all the robots and androids and, oh my God, what kind of abomination is that Turbo Tax?
Seriously, Bud Light, more with the corn…holy hell there’s a dragon! And that was the Mountain! Well done, Game of Thrones. I really hope this means the Bud Light Knight is dead now.
Great commercial by the NFL with all the former greats. Props having Marshawn Lynch go Beast Mode to kick off the mayhem. Do they really need to advertise though?
Way to support the first responders who saved your life, Anthony Lynn. Not sure what Verizon has to do with it.
And so it’s come to this, eh Michael Bublé.
Thanks for the feels, Microsoft.
Dear Wes Anderson, please give Luke Wilson an acting job so he doesn’t have to play annoying office guys in toothpaste commercials.
Some marketing genius in the ’70s or ’80s got Andy Warhol to eat a Whopper. Weird.
Your Harrison Ford spot with his dog ordering food over and over via his Alexa enabled collar was funny the first three times Amazon. You’re going to bludgeon us with it for the next two months now aren’t you?
Overall
Meh.
